Surround Yourself With Positive Men and More Will Follow

I realized I've manage to surrounded myself with undependable men in my life.  Sadly the major players are a few men in my own family and even a few guy friends.  I guess I've subconsciously taught myself that is just how men are.  They leave you when the chips are down. They are huge flakers or are unwilling to help in tough situations (i.e. moving, car, etc...) They only come around when it's convenient for them or they are just down right disrespectful.  I somehow attract these kind of guys in my life and fall in love with them because it's the only type of men I've ever known, so I didn't know any better.  And since I've haven't had any good examples I may have passed up a few good ones or simply wasn't attracted to them.  After experiencing a long pattern of rejection and contemplating where it all comes from, I'm fully conscious and aware of the kind of man I do deserve in my life.  So that means I am stopping myself from trying to reach out or be around negative men who just suck the positivity right out of me.  I am now focusing and taking mental note of the few men who are actually wonderful.  I make sure I remember they're positive energy and how I always feel good when I am around them, that way I will really know the good ones when ever they do come around.  Every woman should exercise this type of thinking instead of focusing on all the negative aspects of men because sooner or later we won't even recognize or attract the bad ones. THINK THIS: Only dependable, helpful, friendly, respectful, and humorous Men exist in my world. 

Meeting Guys at Bars or Clubs

RULE: Don't take them seriously. Instead have some serious fun.

Why do we go out to drink? Because we just want to have a good time or we're alcoholics right?  Either way we're all trying to find some temporary happiness or a stress release.  Some people think a bar or a club is a good place to find a lover, and that may have happened to some people but for me not at all.  Truthfully, guys at bars/clubs are not looking for something serious and neither should you.  We are all there for the same reason, just to have a good time.  If you happen to give a guy your number from a bar, that's exactly what he wants with you, is have a good time and that's pretty much it.  I've never in my entire life of dating have I started a relationship with someone I've met after a night of drinking.  I've dated people from my church, school, and work place (maybe a hip hop concert, but that didn't go too well).  I was able to spark a relationship because I got to know these guys at a more positive and sober playing field.  I know what I am saying is pretty much a given but I honestly think there are women still out there thinking that maybe just maybe they will find someone to love them after downing a few vodka Redbulls, then grinding to some Ying Yang Twins.  I'll admit that I have given/gotten a few numbers when going out but honestly I just immediately delete the number the next day.  I figure if they were really interested then they will call or text. However, I know exactly what they are interested in and it isn't my views on Prop whatever.  Anyway, I'm doing this new thing that I'm not going to think all men are a**holes.  So I am suggesting that we can use these guys that we meet at a bar as a opportunity to have more fun instead.  I would never ask any of these guys for a date or anything serious because I know that isn't their MO.  Instead if I do hear from them or decide to hit them up I will ask them about any suggestions of a good place to have a drink or get my groove on.  Usually, these guys want to see you again but in a not so serious setting like another club or bar so might as well be a super fun place.  Also these kinds of guys will usually ask you to bring your friends because he got his boys coming with him as well. In the words of Puff Daddy, "Tell your friends, to get with my friends and we can be friends. Shit we can do this every weekend..."  Sounds like fun to me.  I mean you never know this guy may not be the one but hey one of his friends may be. Haha! What I am really trying to say is if you can keep your emotions in check and not take these guys too seriously, why not use them to our advantage?  Not only will they be a good tool to find a cooler spot to get down, but more opportunities for some legit fun and who knows maybe the "next" one.  ;)

Note: Always put yourself first of course. Your happiness and yours alone is what matters the most. <3 

Double Note: I'm not condoning or judging casual sex but refer back to Note above.

Affirmation

"I need to look at things for what they are and not what I wished they should be. But in the end find peace with it."


As you know Reader I am having problems with letting go, so this will be one of many affirmations I am going to write myself throughout this blog to help me.  I've figured out that holding on to things that only serve a purpose of keeping me in stuck in a rut has become a mental pattern.  I can't help that I have a romantic imagination and it's actually wonderful to have fantasies.  However, I think when I don't get those fantasies fulfilled I completely shutdown.  First I will hate the person for letting me down then I attack myself for having those types of ideas in the first place.  I need to remember that letting go and forgiveness come hand in hand.  I need to remember to not only let go of the situation but forgive the perpetrator and finally forgive myself.  Then eventually my overwhelming feeling of guilt and angry will lessen because I will have perfected the way of looking at things, both differently and realistically.  

Bad Habits and Bad Puns

Everyone has a bad habit or two.  It can be something like picking your nose, biting hangnails, or smoking ciggies.  But I believe we have emotional bad habits too, I know emotions, emotions, this girl keeps rambling about emotions! Hey I'm an emotional girl, as you can tell from this blog but this is my outlet or else I'll be drowning my sorrows with a bottle of tequila at some random karaoke bar by now.  Anyway, I've noticed that I have a bad habit of not letting go.  I'm a clinger. Haha, not that kind of clinger but then again...nevermind.  What I'm trying to say is that I don't know how to let go of "what could have been."  Once my mind starts going down "should of, could of if only" lane it eventually rice rocket drifts into a highway to hell. (haha enjoyed all those driving puns?) Uncreatively speaking, I keep replaying all the good times I had with so and so that I start to think that I've must have done something wrong, that I was the culprit to the failing relationship.  Then I start to over analyze and obsess everything, like every relationship I ever had in my life.  It's so lame.  I don't know why my head does that from time to time.  However, I'm learning to counter all these annoying thoughts.  I reaffirm myself that I am a good person, and all these a**holes aren't really what they are cracked up to be in the first place.  They were created in Marlenaland, which is another bad habit of mine like romanticizing but I've already covered that topic in a previous entry.  Basically, letting go is one hard emotional drug to kick.  I mean the reason why we won't let go of things is because we think we get something out of it.  In most of my cases it's not something great at all because it eventually leads to false ideas of who am I.  I guess that's a realization that I need to keep reminding myself.  I'm getting there Reader, trust me.

My Other Bad Habits:

Talking waaay too loud

Instagram

Texting and Driving

picking my nose

Corney Corner. Just Some Thoughts About Love

I am a romantic and I can't help it.  C'mon, I love romantic comedies, freaky R&B songs, and poetry, a true blue sap.  However, I'm trying to train myself to recognize REAL and MEANINGFUL romance instead the kind that only exists in my pretend world.  Going back to one of my previous entries about looking at the bigger picture, I just need to keep that idea in mind.  I have to keep my over powering romanticizing emotions at bay when I meet someone.  Of course everything is awesome in the beginning, everyone is extra careful and has on their best romance mask.  I have to remind myself that just because I think they've said something profound or clever that I've never heard before doesn't make them the love of my life.  Anyway, I need to slow down this exciting feeling, stretch it out as far as I can to truly get to know the person.  Who knows; this person could be putting on a show and saying everything that they know that I want to hear instead of being real.  Then later on down the road I figure out they are a fraud, my romantic dream crushed and then it's all down hill from there.  Okay, this entry went a little off focus but the point is I'm slowly figuring out that if you can't be yourself with the person that you love, be your real and feel comfortable that this person is enjoying every second of your unique quirks then why the hell are you with them in the first place.  I know it's pretty obvious but sometimes I think that I've found a great person to be with but then I realize they don't really know me as much as I thought they did and viceversa.  I was too caught up in the beginning part of the relationship.  Just stuck on how much they tried to get know me, call me, and want me, that I didn't slow down and figure out if I really even liked them myself.  Anyway, once the chase is over, that's the real test to see if there's actually a real future with this person.  All in all relationships take a lot of work and are more than just the butterflies and excitement in the beginning.  It's about keeping all those feelings alive and figuring out if they are for real.  Wow, I will go back to my original purpose of this entry.  I basically have a new outlook on what I think love should feel like.  How I got to these realizations, well that's a completely different story that isn't quite ready to be revealed to the world wide web as of now.  Anyway:

LOVE.

True love is a thrilling feeling

 of peace and being able to be my

absolute true self

Knowing the good and bad

but completely sure the good always

outweighs the bad on both sides

It's a safe feeling of being able

to express myself

Knowing for a fact this person 

has your back and is always

looking out for my best interest

Sometimes feeling we are 

the same person

Reading each other's minds,

finishing sentences, and

just knowing what to say

at the right place and time

Never running out of things to say

or be absolutely at peace in

each other's silence

True love just happens

to join into my life

naturally and effortlessly

Without a struggle, uncertainty,

and no fear whatsoever

Of course there's respect,

trust, and lust

I believe true love 

without a shadow of a doubt

will be satisfied and so absolutely sure

that all those things will come as natural

as breathing

<3 

Vivian Green - "Beautiful" This Song Goes Out To Every Guy That Broke A/My Heart

WARNING: THIS SONG CONTAINS NO BITTERNESS OR HATRED WHATSOEVER, IF ANYTHING IT'S QUITE THE OPPOSITE.  

"Beautiful" is a dope song that my wonderful friend and soon to be roommate Nikki (hey girl!) introduced me to.  I am a fan of Vivian Green's song "Emotional Roller Coaster," which used to embody the way I felt about my break ups with a few guys that came in and out of my life.  However, this song "Beautiful" is definitely a more mature outlook of letting someone you used to love go.  It's a song about a woman who is at peace with herself and the lyrics just takes the words right out of my mouth. It pretty much sums up what I would say to my ex-somethings, because I'm honestly happy without them in my life but wishing them the best.  

"I used to think that I could not bear you to be with anyone but me
 

But I been there, done that 

And since then I have come to think silly of that whole mentality
 

I still want to find love too
No it won't be with you
 

I wish for everyone to one day find happiness and love

Including you..."

 

My Affirmation to Calm Anger

One of my bosses made me extremely upset today while speaking to him on the phone.  I had to take him to that ghetto university, well I wasn't that intense but I did give him a piece of my mind.  Let's just say he deserved it and in the end he apologized but I had to quickly change my negative energy to a more positive one.  I work with high school special ed kids and they notice everything, especially when I'm not in a good mood, which is very rare since I started working there.  They inspire me to be happy everyday.  Anyway here's a useful affirmation I like to read whenever I'm feeling angry with anyone. Enjoy.  

Be your

goofy,

 happy,

clever

self

Don't let them see you frown

Don't let them see you sweat

Your thoughts create your life

Always think

of yourself as

super lovable
and more love will come 
your way 

I Like Being Single Part 2: Dedicated to the Serial Daters & Boys Who Treat Girls Like Pez

Sorry! I just can't stop writing.  Today I've posted an affirmation on Facebook that I've wanted to post on here and expand:

Truth: I'd rather be single any day than be in a relationship that's built on guilt, convenience, or fear of being alone.

Honestly, I would love to make a song out of this but anyway here's a more deeper take of this realization that's been running through my head lately.  

GUILT: 

Don't and I repeat don't ever get into a relationship because you feel like you owe it to that person. You don't owe anything to anyone until you are truly ready to give without any fear or resentment. Especially if you've cheated on that person or thought about cheating.  If you do have these feelings then that person isn't the one for you. Being in a relationship out of guilt will only lead you to resenting that person because everything will be done out of obligation and not priority.  On the other side of the coin, if you feel like whoever you are dating isn't ready to fully commit, then don't force them into something that you know they don't really want or don't let them commit if you feel there's any slight of hesitation.  I've learned this the hard way.  I knew my ex wasn't ready to start a whole new relationship but the fact that he asked me fueled my ego into saying yes, when deep down inside I knew he wasn't ready but for some reason I didn't think I was strong enough to be on my own.  Also my fear of rejection took over as well. In the end I was rejected anyways because he wasn't being true to himself and neither was I.  I've learned that true love never has second doubts or shame, it should be a loud and proud.

CONVENIENCE:

I know there's couples out there that are only together because that's all they know.  They're not even in love anymore but they've been together for so long that it's scary to even think to start over.  However, it's not true love if you're with this person because rent is cheaper that way, or there's a warm body in bed.  If you're not even enjoying that person in your life anymore, then why are you even with them? They are only holding you back from what you really want, a connection, a desire, an appreciation of who you are.  Most of these kinds of couples barely have anything to say to each other and when they do it's mostly arguments of the same shit over and over again.  If you're unhappy and shit is not getting better then you owe it to yourself to get the fuck out.  I know that it's easier said than done, but the more you wait the harder it will become.

FEAR OF BEING ALONE:

I mean it's self explanatory.  Pretty much all these feelings stems from not wanting to be alone.  But we owe it to ourselves to really figure out who and what the fuck we want in our lives.  If you just start some random relationship with someone out of lonliness, YOU ARE SETTLING. Pretty soon down the road you'll figure out this person is completely wrong for you.  You've basically wasted your precious time and energy from figuring out who you are and what you deserve.  If you're alone, that's great! Enjoy it, because sooner or later you'll find someone to get on your nerves and then you'll miss those days of pickin' and choosin' or keeping it movin'.  

Ultimately, being Single for a while is the only gateway drug to true happiness. Love yourself better, then you will find yourself a better lover.

Break Through: I LIKE BEING SINGLE

So I was listening to a self help CD by Louise Hay called "You Can Heal Your Life," and she brought up addictions. Not just the kind of addictions you get from substance abuse but she brought up emotional addictions such as addiction to rejection. She said if you're constantly attracting people to reject you then you must be rejecting something about yourself.  I guess the truth is that I am. I'm rejecting the fact that I'm not okay with being single.  I have to be true to myself before I can heal myself.  Today before I even had the chance to listen to that part of my CD, I was feeling overwhelmingly emotional.  My mom hit a trigger within me that deals with counting on men and then tears started running down my face.  I've been let down by some major men in my life. Such as my Dad, my brother, and a few boyfriends here and there.  It's all rejection issues.  If anything this emotion is anger and resentment towards men.  My relationship with my Dad has been a working progress and a long story.  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I was rejecting the fact that it's okay that I have to go through a lot of my own issues i.e. moving out, car troubles on my own.  I kept attracting all these guys who only wanted to reject me because I was focusing too much on needing someone, while deep down I knew I couldn't really count on them.  So I realized that I shouldn't carry so much hurt and anger because I don't have a man to help me with these things. I need to stop focusing on the negative and zone in on the positives of all of this.  Then I know I will be able to attract the kind of people that I really need and deserve in my life.  Basically, I and maybe we all need to remember and affirm that:  

Being single is an amazing experience.  

Being single is life's sifter to reveal what I really want and deserve. 

Being single is one of life's biggest challenges, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  

I'm a woman and it's natural to want to be wanted.  

Being single is necessary for learning to truly love yourself.  

Being single will lead me to my true love because I have learned to truly love myself. 

I Love These Women!

Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful Mom and my wonderful Sister.  Even though sometimes I get into it with these women they end up balancing me out and making me a stronger woman.  I strive to make them proud and they do an amazing job on letting me know how proud they are of me.  But today I want to say how much they inspire me, teach me, challenge me and how much that means to me. At the very end of the day we all love each other very deeply.  I couldn't ask for a better Mom or Sister, I would never ask for a better Mom or Sister.  God made them exactly who they should be and I thank him everyday for that.

Slipping.

Sometimes we slip up. Today I've been thinking about waaay too many things I shouldn't be thinking about lately.  I've been thinking about all the things I don't have and the only thing I don't have is someone to love or get to know other than myself.  I know, I know, I have better things to worry about but sometimes I can't help but think like damn, I deserve at least a good date or two.  Anyway, I'm trying my best to let things like that come to me because I know all too well when I'm the chaser it's just ends in rejection.  I have the absolute worst case of rejection issues.  It's bad because most of the time I'm searching for rejection, I invite it, text it, email it, or call it.  I for some reason accepted that getting rejected is the norm as truth.  I guess I've confused being a fool as hope.  Sometimes those lines are very blurry and I guess my excuse is that I don't care that they are sometimes.  Also I feel like I attract flakers or just people who give me empty promises, and blow smoke up my ass (is that the right term?).  I don't know why!? That's the confusing part because they say you get what you put out.  All I know is that, I'm very sincere and dependable on promises.  I don't feed people lines or things they want to hear just because I think that's what they want to hear.   But it's like my mistakes are on repeat and they keeping showing up in different people but it's all the same feeling.  All I got to say now is that I want these people to stay the hell away from me, but I must learn to stay the hell away from them first. Fortunately, now I am focusing more on staying away from rejection as much as I can and holding myself back from trying to connect with certain people.  Also I've learned the more time you focus on the things you don't want show up even more.  I'm trying to train my mind to think like that, and I think I've been successful so far.  I'm exactly where I wanna be in my life, except one thing but I guess things happen for a reason.  I wish I had something more inspiring but hey this blog is called the Ramblings of a Single Girl, so here it is.

Mom Vs. Ego

     I had a fight with my Mom today. She hurt my feelings, no lie.  However, she is the one who has provided me with these wonderful sources of self help books and CDs.  Instead of the role of Mom she's been the role of Spiritual Teacher/provider.  But today we bumped heads, and I'm starting to realize this woman can be a bit dogmatic when it comes to everything she's trying to show me.  Her idea of finding love for herself has somehow shoved out what I needed from her today. I wanted my Mom.  Sometimes I think she gets caught up in trying to keep so much negativity away from her she becomes closed minded, and too quick to judge.  That's something I feel I do from time to time when people present their problems to me.  I did it the other day to a really good friend when she was having problems with her boyfriend.  Although my intentions were out of love and wanting the best for my friend, I wasn't being a friend.  I was super-salty-only-focusing-on-one-thing-woman.  I realized I was coming off a bit harsh, judge-mental, and actually pessimistic in which I've felt was completely against what I've been trying to learn through all these self help sources.  I had to take a step back and really listen to my friend.  As soon as I started listening and taking everything that she was saying in, I immediately had nothing but hope and words of encouragement for her.  I started to soften up and affirmed that her boyfriend would call her and no joke, a minuet later he did.  Everything pretty much worked out between them after that.  My mom is going to think what she's going to think but all I know I will definitely concentrate on listening more than trying to sound right.  

So I wrote a little something out of inspiration out of the fight with my Mom:

Not everything in this world is black and white, it's made of complex systems that have infinite amounts of outcomes.  We can't be closed minded to just only one outcome and one alone.  It's not that simple. I see life as like a type of Scientific Method.  Where we have multiple test subjects.  Our first subjects are considered the "Control."  Meaning nothing is manipulating these subjects, nothing is added or changing.  This represents a very predictable and close minded why to look at things.  But what happens when we take the same subjects from that "Control,"call it Experiment 2, and add "something" in the mix. This adding of something represents change, or a chance to look at the same thing in a different way.  Lastly, let's say we make another test and call it Experiment 3 and add even more different "things" to the subjects, maybe it's the same "stuff" from Experiment 2 but this time it's more, or it could just be completely different "stuff."  This represents a self realization of things can be too little or too much.  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to test out different outcomes because you never know which one will work out the  best for you in the long run.  If people stayed in that "controlled" experiment of life, absolutely nothing influencing them, testing them, adding to them then they would never have known what they could have become, compared themselves to, or realizing they were right all along.  But we need to have an open mind and an open heart to do these "experiments," and not fear the outcome.  Lastly, scientist uses different test/experiments for the sole purpose of accurate data to support their hypothesis. You can't prove anything with only one "experiment."  You have to understand and take accurate notes of other possibilities as well before you have an absolute conclusion.   

P.S. Without Her though, this all wouldn't have been possible, so does that mean she still wins? LOL ;)

A Blessing From A Reader (Thank You)

Yesterday Morning I was listening to a Dr. Wayne Dyer CD called "The Secrets of an Inspirational Life" that my Mom let me borrow.  It has 6 CDs all together and yesterday I only went through one but already one of his teachings presented itself to me this morning. In his first CD he discusses a very interesting observation of sometimes waking up at the same time early in the morning between the hours of 3:00-4:00am.  Lately, I've been waking up at 3:40am, 3:38am and this morning I woke up at 4:40am.  Anyway, according to Dr. Wayne Dyer during those very early times in the morning is when we are as close to our Higher Spirit than other times of the day because these are the times when everything is mostly silent. He says it's our Higher Spirit trying to speak to us and quotes an old poet Rumi, "The morning breeze has secrets. Don’t go back to sleep."  Most of the time when I wake up in the middle of the night I immediately check my phone, well because it's my only source of time.  It also leads me to checking missed phone calls, text messages and sometimes email.  

This morning when I opened my eyes to 4:40am I instantly remembered the Dr. Wayne Dyer teachings and for some reason checked my email. To my surprise I had a friend tag a picture of me exactly the same time I woke up, which I thought was weird but then I saw another interesting email.  This email was a comment on my previous blog entry.  I am besides myself right now. Whoever you were that wrote it was truly speaking to me, I felt like you were my "morning breeze secret." I felt like I was listening to one of my spiritual teachers and to whoever you are I can't thank you enough. What you said was so powerful that I had to stay awake and write this new entry.  I have no words but Thank You and God Bless you.  For my Readers now I suggest you refer back to my last entry and read the comment below that was left from an "UNKNOWN" but amazing source. Everything that this person, this "UNKNOWN" source said to me was exactly what I needed to hear but I'm going to quote what struck me the most.

" Friendships with exes are something very rare. In my philosophy, you never stop loving someone.  If you loved them, then you always will. If you do not love them, then you never truly loved them in the first place. You say you want what is best for him, but give yourself respect, and want what is best for you. In life, you have yourself to rely on. Love yourself before loving anyone else more... By keeping a friendship right now, you are tortuting yourself. You are hanging on his words...the second he said he would talk later, you got a huge smile and felt warm inside. I understand that feeling, I have been there. But, at that moment, all the mean things he has said or done or have hurt you disappeared, and all you heard was "talk later" and you clung to it. I cannot stress enough...cut him off... If it is supposed to be, it will be! There is no sense in wasting you time, effort, energy, and love on someone who doesn't return it. If he is not the one, then someone else is out there who will wear their heart on their sleeve and match you as an equal...they will be ready to let you in their life. Believe me, I know how hard this is, and I wish I could take my own advice and practice what I preach. For now, "do you" without the hopes of him realizing he wants you in his life. You may find that you don't miss him as much as you think you do once you find your own inner happiness. Do not hang onto him... When you are trying to catch a butterfly, it flies faster and more wildly doing loops and swirls, but when you ignore it and admire the garden, it will come and sit on your shoulder." 

                                 -Unknown



 BEAUTIFUL WORDS! THANK YOU! This is the reason why I'm writing this blog. I am trying to spread the power of love. The power of loving myself and Inspiring others to do the same <3.

Drunk Texting and Sober Emailing

First off I believe I owe my readers a back story of my break up with my Ex.  My Ex and I knew each other since high school and had secret crushes on each other as well but we never dated.  We recently reconnected less than two years ago on FaceBook and the rest is history.  Basically, before my Ex and I started dating he just got out of a 2 in a half year serious relationship with someone else and she lived with him.  We started dating about a month or two after his breakup.  To make a long story short he wasn't ready to be in another relationship.  It was all bad timing.  He started to realize that he needed time to figure out his own shit and wasn't really ready to commit his time to someone else.  And what sucks is that I absolutely knew that for a fact, but I was just happy to finally be in a relationship. I just didn't listen to my Higher Self.  Anyway ever since our break up it's been a battle of forgiveness, acceptance, and hope of spending time together again.  Also we have a bad habit of drunk texting and calling each other from time to time. 

Recently after a night of drinking, I took part in an angry drunken text attack to my Ex but only because I know my Ex is still a good person I felt bad.  So a sober apology email was written the next day.  I know I'm probably putting myself on blast but I believe it's something that we all go through and I don't mind sharing what I've written to him.  I believe it still has power to heal me and whoever feels they are going through the same thing. Enjoy.

Drunk Texting, typos and all:

Me: Don't ever call me drunk and say you miss me (hang out with me soon)

cuz u don't fucking mean it

Me: I  have a fucking heart you know

Me: As much as I feel fine without you

I don't appreciate that I still had some

stupid ass hope you still cared about me

Ex: I've hesitated to call you because of your booty

call. That's not what I meant when I said hang out.

Ex: I don't want that kind of relationship with you.

It's not possible

Me: What? Fuck you. What girl actually wants a booty cal

Me: You obviously don't fucking know me. It was some fucking 

feeble attempt to hang out with you dumb asd

Ex: Excuse me for misunderstanding. Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Me: Really like really? That's what stopped u because I turned into some sex fiend whore? Fuck you. I wanted to be intimate with you cuz you're the only person I was with like that

Me: Because you think***

Ex: I know that, that's not what I meant  I didn't think that I just didn't want you to think i was using you or something

Me: Either way oh fucking well I missed you. You could have just said all this in the first plave

Me: place

Me: That's why I just don't believe

Ex: Ok. Sorry.

  

The next day...

Me: Check your email.

Apology Letter:

*****,

I want to apologize for the cursing attack last night.  All of have to say it was a build of from the past two weeks after you told me you wanted to hang out with me again. I don't trust you *****. I don't trust that you want me back in your life.  So I totally expected that you would not come through last week, grant it you had an excuse of a "bad day" and going back home to Stockton, so it soften the blow of getting let down.  Then you said we'll plan for next week and my emotions were battling each other.  I wanted to believe you but something inside of me said you're just going to let me down again and giving me false hope.  So that "booty call" last Thursday was only powered by my ego, low self esteem, and fear that you didn't really mean what you said.  I totally regretted doing that as soon as I got off the phone with you.  I keep forgetting that you are deep down an awesome rare gentlemen.  Either way it was an attempt to make you come my way on my terms because I didn't trust that you would do it on your own.

I still find ways to keep pushing you away apparently and it sucks.  I'm finally getting the hang of focusing on my own absolute happiness and everyday it gets better and better.  All I have were ups since you left me. My only down fall was trying to get you back in my life again.  When I know for a fact it's YOU who has to try to come back in my life.  On the real, all I want is my friend back.  I am at such an amazing place in my life right now and there's so many things that I done, discovered, and handled these past two months.  Everyday I'm staying as positive as I can.  It seems that everyday positive things, people, chances, and opportunities keep happening and I wish I could just call you up and tell you about them like it was a normal thing that we do.  I really wish you knew me or stuck around a little longer to get to know me better.  I don't hate you, as much as I want to I can't and I don't think I'll ever will.  It is because you gave me a gift of letting this relationship go and opening a chance of a better love. Love for myself.  I'm surrounded by friends with the most fucked up relationships imaginable and it all really stems from people not truly knowing what they want, especially want for themselves.  At least you took a big step in ending us and it helped me take a step back and see what our relationship for what it was, a life lesson.  You know that sometimes I feel that I'm "too human," and I still and will always remember what you told me, that "I'm just the right amount of human." Booty call or not my only intentions and will always be is to show you how an amazing person you are. But all I can do is step back and let you do that on your own. 

Ex: I'll reply later on, I gotta sit down and do it. 

I agree with you on many levels and im really relieved to hear your happy. I never wanted to wrong you.

Ex: I'm slowly gaining some footing in my life the last week or so and I'm getting my head back on my shoulders.

Me: I'm very happy to hear :))) Keep doing you, I believe in you I really do even tho I attack u with emotions I ultimately want the absolute best for you but yah ttyl.

Ex: I know I appreciate it.

I'm still waiting for an email, but I'm continuing doing me. It will come when it comes.

"Complicated" by Teyana Taylor

     So the other day I was listening to some of my random mixed CDs and came across one I made more than 3 years ago.  Grant it this CD was old, scratched and barely played any songs, but one song in particular pulled through and presented itself to me.  Right now as you can tell with the books I'm reading I'm all about self manifestation and believing things happen for a reason.  I believe I decided to listen to this random mixed CD for a reason.  A R&B song called "Complicated" started to play and I was about to change the song to see what else was on the old thing but decided to let the song continue.  As soon as it started to play I immediately remembered how the song went.  It's a great song about a girl who is unsure about whether she is ready to be in a relationship or to be in love.  As I sang along to the lyrics, I started to choke up on the hook of the song.  It goes: "I can't say I'm not impressed with you....I'm not ready to invest...I can't say I'm not the girl for you...I just might not be her yet." I guess it's called the hook for a reason because it totally hooked a very strong emotion in my mind. I've obviously heard this song many times before but hearing it now helped me come to a very crazy realization.  I've never in my entire life related to this song at all.  One particular word that struck me in the hook was the word "invest." What a random word to be in an R&B song, a love song for that matter.  I mean the word "invest" evokes business terms, seriousness and careful planning.  A word I've haven't really thought of paring with love.  I mean if anything I was too invested in finding love outside of myself instead of investing finding love within me. This was a major light bulb moment.  I decided from that day forward after crying while listening to the song and repeating it over and over, I would treat love for myself and also finding love as an investment, but in the right way.  Such as careful planning, smart moves, and patience.

For the Faint of Heart

Who here wears their heart on their sleeve? Who here tries to make something out of nothing? I have to admit, I'm guilty as charged. You can ask any of my real close friends, they know I fall very easily. I'm foolishly repeating, "but he's different, or I've never felt this way," all the while wearing those rose colored glasses.  I used to romanticize little things like baseball player body, horoscope signs, knowing all the words to Notorious B.I.G songs, silly little things like that.  My recent Ex had everything I thought a girl can ask for. He's 6'3, dimples, well spoken, drives a Lincoln and has a house a with an amazing view of both the Bay and Golden Gate Bridges.  
I honestly felt he was definitely a big step up from other boyfriends I had before and I was so set and so sure I've finally found possibly the one.  So I kept focusing on that aspect.  He treated me alright but he knew he wasn't treating me the best that he could. He would often make wonderful promises that he never followed through.  He wasn't a happy person most of the time and I felt spending time with me wasn't important.  However, I'm not going to make a long drawn out bitter paragraph about how my ex wronged me. Quite the opposite. He taught me a very valuable lesson.  I needed to take a step back and look at the bigger picture instead of focusing on the little things that wont have much power when shit starts to hit the fan.  
My ex has his own life path that he needs to figure out and he was at least kind enough to let me go as to not drag me down in his own roller coaster of self discovery.  Trust me, it took a while for me to accept this. I was going through my own roller coaster of emotions as well. But luckily, I'm happy with who I am and I was able to dust myself off and keep going.  So all in all when I see myself going down that weary road of love with nothing but a throbbing heart on my sleeve and clouded rosy glasses, I'll tell myself "LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE! That's old Marlaynuh thoughts. The new Marlaynuh bought a fish-eye lens to life!"

Sometimes We Just Need to Be Reminded

           There are times when we have a bad day, or can't stop thinking about someone who has wronged us. Sometimes you might even think about that recent ex who has broken your heart.  From time to time I think about my recent Ex and it puts me in a roller coaster of emotions. First I'm very angry and bitter. Then I feel a strong pang of longing and then feel lonely. But in the end I try to forgive and move along my thoughts to a more important matter, such as this blog, calling a friend or a family member.  I also wrote this affirmation to remind me to just STOP those negative thoughts and focus on what is actually true in my life. I suggest whenever you have an negative thought that just can't get out of your head, read this and repeat until you believe it.

Stop looking for someone to let you down

Stop searching for rejection

stop finding something to offend you

Search for peace

You can't change people's minds

No matter how good of a person you are

Let go of your resentment

Forgive those who hurt you

And forgive yourself for letting them

There is someone out there

Who will absolutely love and

appreciate your love

They'll take special care of it

And know it it something real

Until then stay happy 

this person will eventually

find you at the right time

 <3 yours truly