Drunk Texting and Sober Emailing

First off I believe I owe my readers a back story of my break up with my Ex.  My Ex and I knew each other since high school and had secret crushes on each other as well but we never dated.  We recently reconnected less than two years ago on FaceBook and the rest is history.  Basically, before my Ex and I started dating he just got out of a 2 in a half year serious relationship with someone else and she lived with him.  We started dating about a month or two after his breakup.  To make a long story short he wasn't ready to be in another relationship.  It was all bad timing.  He started to realize that he needed time to figure out his own shit and wasn't really ready to commit his time to someone else.  And what sucks is that I absolutely knew that for a fact, but I was just happy to finally be in a relationship. I just didn't listen to my Higher Self.  Anyway ever since our break up it's been a battle of forgiveness, acceptance, and hope of spending time together again.  Also we have a bad habit of drunk texting and calling each other from time to time. 

Recently after a night of drinking, I took part in an angry drunken text attack to my Ex but only because I know my Ex is still a good person I felt bad.  So a sober apology email was written the next day.  I know I'm probably putting myself on blast but I believe it's something that we all go through and I don't mind sharing what I've written to him.  I believe it still has power to heal me and whoever feels they are going through the same thing. Enjoy.

Drunk Texting, typos and all:

Me: Don't ever call me drunk and say you miss me (hang out with me soon)

cuz u don't fucking mean it

Me: I  have a fucking heart you know

Me: As much as I feel fine without you

I don't appreciate that I still had some

stupid ass hope you still cared about me

Ex: I've hesitated to call you because of your booty

call. That's not what I meant when I said hang out.

Ex: I don't want that kind of relationship with you.

It's not possible

Me: What? Fuck you. What girl actually wants a booty cal

Me: You obviously don't fucking know me. It was some fucking 

feeble attempt to hang out with you dumb asd

Ex: Excuse me for misunderstanding. Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Me: Really like really? That's what stopped u because I turned into some sex fiend whore? Fuck you. I wanted to be intimate with you cuz you're the only person I was with like that

Me: Because you think***

Ex: I know that, that's not what I meant  I didn't think that I just didn't want you to think i was using you or something

Me: Either way oh fucking well I missed you. You could have just said all this in the first plave

Me: place

Me: That's why I just don't believe

Ex: Ok. Sorry.

  

The next day...

Me: Check your email.

Apology Letter:

*****,

I want to apologize for the cursing attack last night.  All of have to say it was a build of from the past two weeks after you told me you wanted to hang out with me again. I don't trust you *****. I don't trust that you want me back in your life.  So I totally expected that you would not come through last week, grant it you had an excuse of a "bad day" and going back home to Stockton, so it soften the blow of getting let down.  Then you said we'll plan for next week and my emotions were battling each other.  I wanted to believe you but something inside of me said you're just going to let me down again and giving me false hope.  So that "booty call" last Thursday was only powered by my ego, low self esteem, and fear that you didn't really mean what you said.  I totally regretted doing that as soon as I got off the phone with you.  I keep forgetting that you are deep down an awesome rare gentlemen.  Either way it was an attempt to make you come my way on my terms because I didn't trust that you would do it on your own.

I still find ways to keep pushing you away apparently and it sucks.  I'm finally getting the hang of focusing on my own absolute happiness and everyday it gets better and better.  All I have were ups since you left me. My only down fall was trying to get you back in my life again.  When I know for a fact it's YOU who has to try to come back in my life.  On the real, all I want is my friend back.  I am at such an amazing place in my life right now and there's so many things that I done, discovered, and handled these past two months.  Everyday I'm staying as positive as I can.  It seems that everyday positive things, people, chances, and opportunities keep happening and I wish I could just call you up and tell you about them like it was a normal thing that we do.  I really wish you knew me or stuck around a little longer to get to know me better.  I don't hate you, as much as I want to I can't and I don't think I'll ever will.  It is because you gave me a gift of letting this relationship go and opening a chance of a better love. Love for myself.  I'm surrounded by friends with the most fucked up relationships imaginable and it all really stems from people not truly knowing what they want, especially want for themselves.  At least you took a big step in ending us and it helped me take a step back and see what our relationship for what it was, a life lesson.  You know that sometimes I feel that I'm "too human," and I still and will always remember what you told me, that "I'm just the right amount of human." Booty call or not my only intentions and will always be is to show you how an amazing person you are. But all I can do is step back and let you do that on your own. 

Ex: I'll reply later on, I gotta sit down and do it. 

I agree with you on many levels and im really relieved to hear your happy. I never wanted to wrong you.

Ex: I'm slowly gaining some footing in my life the last week or so and I'm getting my head back on my shoulders.

Me: I'm very happy to hear :))) Keep doing you, I believe in you I really do even tho I attack u with emotions I ultimately want the absolute best for you but yah ttyl.

Ex: I know I appreciate it.

I'm still waiting for an email, but I'm continuing doing me. It will come when it comes.